THE LEFT-BEHINDER’S ABRIDGED GUIDE TO THE END OF THE WORLD

If you’re reading this, you’ve either missed the rapture or are about to experience it.

The rapture is an event that features the sudden disappearance of many people (probably millions) from the surface of the earth. No doubt, you’ve heard that something like this will happen. The instant it does, a host of other happenings that you will find mind-warping will happen. For instance, while driving, you may suddenly find that your car has become empty, save for a few clothing accessories and baby items scattered here and there. Your mind in a sincere attempt to capture the madness going on all around you may get distracted. Do not get distracted as incoming traffic is likely headed for you, especially those vehicles which have curiously found their driver seats to be empty.

Or in bed and your partner is nowhere to be found, out in the yard or in the front porch. It’s rare times like this that help us grasp the true meaning of expressions like “into thin air” and “into the blue.”

Here is one foolproof way to confirm this event. No matter how serene your neighborhood is, there will be screams — or curses, depending on where you stay — and crashes as whole airplanes dive into bedrooms. Power grids will fail, plunging cities into palpable darkness; the TV will be agog with reports from various places in the world, one question on everybody’s lips: where did they go?

In an instant, your mind will play over it — the long awaited “end of the world.” But, not quite yet. What’s coming will be the longest and hardest period of your life; this is assuming you live to see the end of it. So, take heart, you need every ounce of that strength to survive.

Be sure not to miss the Sunday following this event as every church on earth will be filled to the brim, because all those left behind will feel a sudden need to renew their faith. Do not be shocked that many of your favorite preachers and Christian leaders are still around. Some of them will make up stories and theologies for those missing people. For your own good, stay away from them.

In the first few weeks, you’ll hear different views and arguments for what has happened and why a fraction of the world’s population is missing: UFOs, alien abduction, a harmonic convergence, a government program, cosmic shifts, wormholes and so on. Do this: pack a bag, prop it against a corner and start praying.

Your bag must not lack the following items: food (as much as you can pack for all the years you will be in the wild), medicine, lamps, blankets, weapons and sanitizers. Gather as many Bibles as you can. As a matter of fact, it is imperative that you memorize whole portions of the Bible because this will be your road map for the next few years, particularly the last portions of Luke, Matthew, Revelation and Daniel. These Bibles will be seized pretty soon, and you will be killed for having them in your possession.

Nations will declare war on each other and eagerly destroy each other. Those WMDs (weapons of mass destruction) you’ve heard so much about — fifteen-odd thousand of them — will be used. As a matter of fact, up to 400 percent improvement has been achieved on the warhead that leveled Hiroshima and Nagasaki killing 150,000 people. While taking your bath and dressing up, a nuclear warhead ICBM (intercontinental ballistic missile) has travelled all the way from Beijing, China and is making impact in your bedroom in Washington DC — over 10,000km in barely 35 minutes. At impact, temperatures will soar to a hundred million degrees, and in a tenth of a second, everything for miles is reduced to carbon soot. If you die from this, you will not know how or when you died.

Whether or not your country signed up for war, air currents will transport engineered toxins from bioweapons to your location which will kill you within minutes. Do not be shocked that the flu pandemic that killed 50 million people in 1918 reoccurs; be shocked only at the outrageous scale at which they will now be deployed.

War will not be the only cause of the chaos, super-volcanos, cyberwar, martial law and economic collapse will further stir the waters. Asteroids will fall in the Atlantic Ocean which will create 400-foot-high tsunamis that will sweep inland for miles obliterating everything in its path. Self-licensed trigger-happy jihadists will get their hands on their favorite toys and the world will finally know peace not.

Somewhere amid this turmoil, someone very high up in world government (most definitely a likable and generally accepted individual) will give a stimulating speech about peace and order. He will pull most of the nations under one umbrella and require that all citizens of the world receive an electronic implant. Watch out for catch phrases like “keep you safe”, “secure your future”, “for the good of society.” Here’s a heads up: this guy — “the bad guy” as you will soon see — will be implementing the greatest massacre in all of humanity. That’s why you need those supplies. Staying alive is top priority for you.

A hazard bunker far out of town is a good place to hide but deep inside a cave is an even better place. Ensure that it is far from earthquake faults and safe from bad weather, snakes, wild animals, nuclear fallout, volcanic eruptions, hurricanes, hail, frost and mutated spiders. You may have to change location from time to time. Water from rivers and streams are ideal for you, but these will be polluted by radioactive waste from nuclear warfare and will eventually turn blood-red. The air as well will be contaminated. Whatever you do, keep those supplies safe, they are your life.

While in hiding, you may need to keep busy; when not praying or weeping or grousing, you could read a book or play a crossword. Don’t bother about reading those Christian books, most of what’s in them is at this point obsolete. Faithfully mark off each day on your calendar and pray. Pray because your life depends on it.

You will be tracked through your every activity on the internet: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all your other accounts, including e-mail and banking accounts. And if you ID-ed for a voters’ card, you are in real trouble. The bad guy will come for you. This is why you must flee.

You will make his hunt easier with these items in your possession: ATMs, credit cards, debit cards, phones (smart or otherwise), tablets, laptops, mp3 players, GPS locators and any gadget that emits RF. For the love of God, get rid of these things, they have been tagged. And stay away from the radio unless you’ve not heard enough bad news all your life. The very air will be foul with bad news.

Never make phone calls, from any place, no matter how remote. Your position will be triangulated within seconds. All this is because you must not be found.

If you are caught, be very afraid. Not because you’re going to die, but because of how they’re going to make you die. Due to the evolution of the art of modern torture, there are certain military grade torture techniques that have never been used in public (or in movies) due to their utter gruesomeness. Many of these techniques make waterboarding seem like falling off a log. If they torture you to extract a confession, you must keep the Faith.

Taking the implant may seem a cozy alternative, but it’s akin to selling your soul to Mephistopheles, only this time, there remains no redemption. Only those with the implant will be allowed to remain in society, others will be hunted down. They’ll comb the area for you, and your kind neighbor will turn you in. If somehow you manage to remain unnoticed, you will not be able to go out shopping casually like you could in the past. When you take your hungry child to the store to buy baby milk for her, you’ll be asked to “put your hand in the machine” and you will only walk out of that store with your baby and the milk if you have that implant. They’ll persuade you to take it. Avoid taking that implant. At all costs.

Another reason it will be unsafe out in society is that a certain je ne sais quoi will consume man and make him feel like lighting things up. The earth will further stoke the fire with more than a few weird unexplainable natural disasters until half of humanity is mincemeat. There’s also a good chance you will be killed by a bunch of walking deads.

Stay alive at all costs, because waiting it out for the return of your Savior is your only hope. Or by all means die a religious fanatic.

If you are one of those who bought a one-way ticket to Mars, you still will not survive. There will be devastation everywhere.

If you must die, ensure that you do not take your life with your own hands or your soul will be eternally lost.

Trust no one. The bad guy has ears everywhere.

N. B. This is not the half of it.